T-Shirt Messages

"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" .

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"I Speak Fluent Patriarchy But It's Not My Mother Tongue"

"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead"

"Husband and Cat Lost -- Reward for Cat"

"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"

"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This time"

"Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers,you'll Still Go to St. Louis When You Die"

"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered" .

"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap"

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam"

"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"

"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes - Use Birth Control"

"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer"

"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Reed This, Thank a Teechur"

"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"

"I Yell Because I Care"

"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Re-Elect Nobody"

(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -- He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone" .

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"

"Sleep with a Photographer and Watch Things Develop"

"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places"

(Over a sketch of the Titanic) "The Boat Sank. Get Over It"

"I Didn't Drive My Husband Crazy -- I Flew Him There -- It Was Faster"

"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups" --
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(On a baby-size shirt) "Party -- My Crib -- Two A.M."

"I Don't Suffer from Insanity -- I'm a Carrier"

"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"

"El Nino Made Me Do It"

"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Car"

"Aunt Em: Hate You. Hate Kansas. Taking the Dog. Dorothy"